I got to discover myself further recently. Well, I can say I don't really like my job. I guess working life is just so 'realistic', so stressful. I've just convert to contract. In another words, do more serious stuff. I guess it's not a wise decision after all. The salary only increase like by 14 bucks. Anyway, ever since last week I've been getting into trouble. Always make mistake. Be more careful at one part then new mistake will pop up. The problem is all my mistakes were quite irreversible. I think I've already been labelled as jinx or trouble maker...something like this. Well, when I started with my new job, i really told myself to do a good job. No need to earn praises, but at least get out of trouble. got really disheartened... Guess what, I realised I'm the sort of person who can't keep feelings. I've been putting on a 'black' face ever since last week and have never change. Well, I can't keep my feelings, I'm really feeling vexed. Last time I never thought I would give this 'black' face when I'm feeling vexed. I just thought I give an expressionless face becoz I don't feel like talking, but not neccesarily feeling angry or what. But now I realised what I'm feeling inside is written exactly on the outside. I tried to keep my feelings after taking some advice from melody and jean(my colleague), but I just can't keep those feelings. My aunty used to scold me for not being able to control my feelings. I was mad at her for telling me to do such a thing. But I guess she was absolutely right, in this society, if you don't know how to control or keep your feelings, you'll be at a disadvantage. Really feel so lousy! Ever since I went to jc, I would see myself as a failure sometimes. I thought after my 'A's I won't feel better and not be so demoralising, but I just can't seem to reverse the situation. Results are coming out soon. I sort of know and understand what to expect. For the past 2 months, I convinced myself it's ok to go poly afterall, it's no big deal. But when the time is reaching, I really hope I would be able to move on. Afterall that's should be where I must head to when I made the decision to go jc after 'O's. So many feelings in me and no way to vent it out. Ups and downs are part and parcel of life, but I've met too many downs and made myself so dejected. Tomorrow will be a good day...I hope...
